Comcast threatens employees, vote in online poll or else

Team Comcast

In a show of intimidation, Comcast demanded that each of their employees vote in The Consumerist online poll or face possible termination. Comcast sent the following email to all of its 100,000 employees:

Fat man sets multiple marathon records

Sumo Kelly Gneiting

A 400-pound sumo wrestler from Idaho broke the old record of 275 pounds, becoming the heaviest person to complete a marathon, setting a Guinness World Record.

French president bombs Libya to impress hot wife

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

French President Nicolas Sarkozy officially sent French air power into Libya to enforce a U.N. Security Council sanctioned no-fly zone to protect rebel forces.  A source within the French government told Dead Serious News that Sarkozy had a different motivation.

Earthquake in Japan causes world shortage of Ben Wa balls

Ben Wa Balls

Northern Japan, recently devastated by a 9.0 earthquake, is home to 90% of the world’s production of Ben Wa balls.  The earthquake and subsequent tsunami have all but halted production of this high demand product.

Charlie Sheen takes credit for Japan earthquake

Charlie Sheen

In a bizarre twist to his ongoing meltdown, Sheen sent a tweet to his 2.7 million Twitter followers claiming to have triggered the devastating earthquake in Japan.