President Obama extends pardon to Larry Craig

Larry Craig mugshot

President Obama, in a surprise move intent on extending an olive branch to Republicans after a bitter partisan fight over health care reform, has granted a presidential pardon to Larry Craig, the ex-senator from Idaho.  Craig pleaded guilty in 2007 to disorderly conduct after being arrested in the men’s room at the Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport on suspicion of lewd conduct. 

Craig, accompanied by Ted Haggard, his new spiritual advisor, held a marathon session into the early hours of the morning with President Obama and a team of advisors.  You might recall that the undercover police officer who arrested Craig stated that the ex-senator had extended his foot into the adjoining bathroom stall and started to tap it, which is a signal to initiate sexual contact.  Craig claimed at the time that he had a “wide stance” and was not soliciting sex.  President Obama asked Craig why he was tapping his foot since that was never previously disclosed.  “I had a Broadway show tune going through my head at the time”, Craig responded.  When Obama asked Craig to be specific, “I Feel Pretty from West Side Story, Mr. President.”  Ted Haggard then reiterated Craig’s assertion that ex-senator is not gay.  Haggard, the fallen evangelical minister who claims to have been cured from all of his gay urges, stated that he spoke from a position of authority on the subject.

In closing after making the announcement of Craig’s pardon, Obama loudly proclaimed, “Let the healing begin!”

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