New FDA approved device silences queefs

queef silencerWhether you call them queefs or varts, that flatulent sound that can unexpectedly come from between a woman’s legs can be humiliating.  The FDA has approved a new medical device that can silence queefs dead in their tracks.

Dr. Linda Merriweather knows the pain of queefs all too well.  While a student in medical school, an instructor called her up in front of the class to give a presentation.  Merriweather dropped the microphone on the floor between her legs.  When she squatted over the microphone to pick it up, a thunderous queef was released to uproarious laughter.  Merriweather decided at that very moment the queef would be an endangered species.

Handcrafted out of brass, the “Queef Silencer” is as aesthetically pleasing as it is functional.  “A woman will not insert anything between her legs unless it looks good,” Dr. Merriweather noted.  Available by prescription only, the Queef Silencer will come in a variety of sizes.  

Dr. Merriweather claims the Queef Silencer is over 97% effective.  The only side effect of the device is that a very high pitched sound is emitted when a queef is released.  Inaudible to humans, the noise can be heard by dogs.

Production of the Queef Silencer is expected to begin in a few weeks.